"And these foolish games..."

I had quite a bit of trouble deciding on a topic for my first official blog. Plenty of ideas floated through my head - men, money, food, the President. My brain did what it usually does - create lists. You see, I am an insane list maker and scheduler. So much that if I have nothing planned for more than one day - I feel useless. As if the holes in my calender are pointing at me saying:

"You are going no where with your life!"

Well, I figure that makes a pretty damn good topic to write about.

Humans are so very flawed. We want and want and want, and yet, when we get - its never good enough. I mean, it's good for a little while but it never lasts. Example.

When I was in high school all I ever wanted to do was act and sing. I wanted to escape from my "small town" to study and train in the field of Musical Theatre. Well, I was a determined woman. I did just that. I got into a great school, trained my ass off, and went out into the field. I landed some sweet gigs straight outta school and...well, I kept auditioning. This is the part where I wish I could write something like this:

I landed some sweet gigs straight outta school and for the first time in my 21 years - I was proud of myself and felt that I was truly living the life that I had yearned for. After that I continued to audition and live in the city that never sleeps. Happy and content with the journey I was on.

Alas, that is not how it went. You see, I was determined to please that little high school dreamer and feed her exactly what she wanted. Art. But what happens when that little dream you are tirelessly working at begins to look worn and sneezed on? What happens when new dreams take hold? Well, the things we once loved and yearned for not only seem aged but...sadly...pointless. Oi. How very melo-dramatic. Well, I am not one to stay in one state-of-mind for very long. I felt myself anxiously kicking my feet like a kid in school staring out the window to a bright blue sky to be explored. I changed.

"Time to move on Heather."

And thus, I am. Not quite sure where yet but I am. I can tell you this much - this time next year I will not be living in NYC. Wow. What a statement. All that time devoted to working. All that money devoted to my future. Isn't it funny - you work to keep moving your life along - but without even realizing it - life is moving you.

So what now? What happens when I find that new dream? What happens when I create a new niche for myself in a strange town? The same pattern will result. At first, everything will be new and shiny. I will be like a kid with a brand new toy. It will excite me and entrance me for a bit but eventually it will be exactly like NYC to me. Dirty, worn, and tired. I will need excitement and a new scene. So what then? Must I remain a wanderer my whole life? I can tell you now, at the young age of 21, I would love that. To wander from place to place and never quite settle sounds like a grand life to me. But for now - what of it? What do I make of my constant feeling of inadequacy? Well, to be blunt, I tell myself to shut up. Life is to wonderful and terrible to not enjoy and relish every moment. There is art all around me and I only need remind myself that when I feel that ache to escape.

"Life is art."

I am what I am and I am where I am right now. I guess I'm more content than I thought. Till I write again.

Peace,
Red

the beginning

I need release. I need a place to place my words. Life is enormous and at times feels like an elephant sitting on your chest. Well, my chest. I know I'm not the only one out there who feels this way - I can't be. So this is a way for me to reach out. To someone and anyone.

I plan on trying out the Vlog thing eventually but for now I will extend my hand merely to words on screen. Its currently 230am and I need to sleep. Good night world.

Always,
Red